In tantra, we connect with our partner on a personal level. We also connect with the universal sexual chi or energy that is in our partner’s body as an energetic life force. One way to do this is through the lingam massage. Yes, this is a fancy name for a hand job. But it’s done with more thoughtfulness, respect, care, and desire to bring selfless pleasure to your partner.
What is a lingam massage?
A lingam massage is a tantric sex practice focused on massaging the penis. Unlike your average hand job, the lingam massage involves not only massaging and stroking the penis but can also incorporate more advanced techniques, including the testicles, perineum, and the prostate (aka the Sacred Spot) as well. The lingam massage isn’t about having one orgasm and being done. Instead, it’s about trying to feel more and more pleasure that will become waves of multiple orgasms throughout the massage. Yes, multiple orgasms aren’t just for people with clitorises!
Lingam is the Sanskrit word for penis and loosely translates to “wand of light.” In tantra philosophy, we approach the lingam from a place of the utmost love and respect, the same way we approach the yoni, or vagina. (The yoni massage might be considered the equivalent of the lingam massage, just performed on people with vaginas.) When you bring your partner pleasure through their “wand of light,” you are filled with that same energy or light in a conscious exchange of energy in giving and receiving pleasure.
A big part of sacred sexuality is learning to love the penis and not be afraid of it. Many women I work with are still not totally comfortable with handling a man’s penis. If that is the case for you, take some time to reflect on any negative impressions you may have inherited from your parents or your culture.
Lingam massage is a practice that truly honors the penis and those who have them. We do it to give them pleasure. There is also a tremendous amount of sexual energy or chi in a person’s penis, and learning how to stimulate and circulate it is very powerful. When I went to India to study tantra and yoga, I was shocked at first to see statues of the Shiva lingam that represented the God Shiva. For most people, it represents a state of meditation. But for ancient tantric practitioners, this held a secret meaning: that this powerful God energy was in the penis, which was thought to contain the most masculine essence concentrated in one place.
Think of it this way: Sacred sex is about approaching your partner’s body as a temple and their penis as the most holy place of all.
How to perform a lingam massage on your partner.
Tantra 101
Lingam massage can be done two ways: by the penis owner on their own via tantric masturbation, or with a partner via tantric massage. It can be an independent act or foreplay to intercourse. For those who want to use this sacred practice for masturbation and energy cultivation, follow the same instructions below on yourself:
1. Get the penis owner relaxed.
Have your penis partner lie on their back wherever they are most comfortable. They might like a pillow under their head or hips. Their legs should be spread apart with their knees bent, so you have easy access to all parts of their genitalia. Remind them to breathe deeply. This will assist in a deeper relaxation.
2. Remember to breathe.
Breathing is what separates tantra from regular sex. While you give your partner the lingam massage, remember to breathe the Bliss Breath: Receive their energy of arousal and pleasure on the inhale, and send them loving energy on the exhale.
This special breathing will bring you three benefits:
- You’ll have a deeper feeling of worship or meditation and mindfulness.
- It will make you more empathetic to your partner’s thoughts and feelings.
- It will heighten your sexual intuition—you’ll be more aware of what your partner wants without them having to ask.
3. Encourage the penis owner to breathe deeply too.
Before you start the lingam massage, tune into your partner by engaging in the Bliss Breath together. Just taking a few breaths at the same time will put you both at ease and match your biorhythms. While you give them the massage, keep reminding them to breathe deeply, relax, and receive all the good feelings.
4. Lubricate and massage the areas around the penis.
Use your favorite massage oil (I prefer coconut oil because it smells yummy) to oil the shaft of the penis and the testicles. Start by sliding your hands up and down the thighs before getting to the good stuff. This will also make your partner feel more relaxed. Compliment them on something you like about what you’re seeing and touching.
Move on to the testicles. Gently, slowly massage them. You can use your fingernails gently on the testicles, or pull them slightly. You can also cup them in your hands and fondle them in the palm of your hand.
Massage the area around the testicles and penis (i.e., the pubic bone in the front, the inner part of the thighs, and the perineum—or taint—which is the area between the testicles and the anus).
Be careful with the balls. People differ greatly as to the kind of touch they like here. Some people are more sensitive or ticklish than others. It’s OK to ask your partner how they like their testicles touched before you start or while you’re touching them.
5. Massage the shaft.
Once you’ve teased the areas around the penis and your partner is clearly wanting more, move to the shaft of the penis. Variety is the key here:
- Vary your grip from harder to lighter.
- Vary your stroke sequences between straight up and down and a twisting motion.
- Vary the action from one hand to two hands. When using just one hand, alternate between using the right hand and the left hand.
- Vary the speed from slow to fast. Start slowly and build up to a faster pace, then take it back to a slow speed again. Keep alternating the pressure, speed, rhythm, and methods.
- Also, alternate the shaft strokes to start from the root of the shaft all the way up to the head. Once at the head, you can either continue the straight up and down motion, or you can do the twist—going from the root of the shaft and stopping just below the tip of the penis.
When using two hands, you can do it a few different ways:
The bottom hand moves up and down while the top hand does a swirling/twisting action at the tip of the penis.
Both hands hold the penis in the same direction with the fingers pointing the same way.
One hand holds the penis facing one way, and the other hand faces the other way.
Both hands move up and down at the same time. Oil is your friend here. It helps create a smoother, gliding motion.
6. Don’t let them climax. Keep them at the edge of orgasm.
By now, your partner might be very worked up and might want to come. If you are paying close attention to their breathing, how their body is moving, and their moaning, you should be able to predict if they’re nearing orgasm. When you see them at that edge, pull back on what you’re doing, or just slow it down and remind them to breathe and ride the wave of orgasmic feelings they’re experiencing.
The penis might go from being rock hard to semi-hard. Don’t worry. That’s what’s supposed to happen.
7. Stimulate the Sacred Spot externally.
The Sacred Spot is the prostate, which is a walnut-size gland located between the bladder and the penis. When stimulated properly, it is very pleasurable. You can access the prostate either internally (by inserting your fingers or a prostate massage sex toy into the anus) or externally (through massaging the outside without penetration).
If your partner isn’t experienced with prostate massage, start externally. To find the sacred spot, look for an indentation somewhere between the size of a pea and a walnut midway between the testicles and the anus. Push gently inward. Be careful to go slowly and let your partner guide you in terms of pressure.
When you hit the right spot, massage it by pushing in with your fingers or knuckles, then backing off and pushing in again. You can also use a circular massage motion. If your partner is especially hairy, use more oil so you can get to the area more easily. Or better yet, ask them if you can shave them for easier access.
8. Stimulate the Sacred Spot internally.
Ask your penis partner if they’re interested in taking the prostate massage to the next level with an internal massage. If they’re game, you’ll want to loosen up their anus with massage oil. Start by massaging the outside of the anus with your fingers in a slow, smooth, and gentle circular motion. Don’t insert a finger without permission. Ask if they’re ready for more.
If your partner is ready for insertion, make sure their anus and your fingers are oiled up. Make sure your nails don’t have any jagged edges. Start by inserting just the tip of one finger at first. Wiggle it back and forth to loosen your partner up. Once they’re comfortable with that, you can insert your finger(s) more deeply, as the prostate is about 2 to 3 inches inside the anus, closer to the anterior wall of the rectum.
Once there, you can gently caress it by moving your finger from side to side, up and down, or “milking” it with a come hither motion with your finger(s). Ask your partner how they’re doing as you go. Let them lead.
Prostate massage can sometimes be difficult to do with fingers, which is why so many sex toy companies now sell prostate massagers that you can use when you’re ready to take it to the next level.
9. End the massage.
To end the massage, you can allow your partner to climax with an ejaculation orgasm or move on to intercourse. If your partner is practicing semen retention, you can have them hold all their juices as they learn to transmute the orgasm from the genitals into full-body energy orgasms.
